Today, I ask for a miracle. One that frees me. For grace. For help. For unexpected kindness. For good fortune. I ask, because I don’t know what else to do, and I don’t want to give up, and I need more than I can give or do or afford or survive alone.
What good does this do?
But still, I ask.
I ask because sometimes, just sometimes, what we ask for will be given. That it often won’t too often keeps us from saying what it is we need, what we feel, keeps us from asking for fear of being denied.
I ask because I don’t want to give up without having tried everything possible to get through. I ask because that I lack doesn’t mean I don’t deserve. I ask because the act of voicing what we need can in itself help us. Can remove one burden – that of silence. Can refocus our minds, our attention, so we start to look for signs of hope instead of despair. I ask because taking action, even just putting thought into words, can help break anxiety, so much of which tends to be amplified by inaction.
I ask because I acknowledge there are many arenas where I have no control, and what I need depends on another’s choice, or chance, and the only role I can play is to ask, and to hope.
I ask because as long as I am writing, I am making a space where it is harder for my pain to follow, because my mind is elsewhere.
I ask because sometimes people will be motivated by seeing another do the same thing they fear to do, and maybe someone else will find their voice, and ask for what they need.
I ask because I need, because I hope, because I wish for better and believe it might be possible. I ask because putting thought into words makes me feel better. I ask because doing so is one more step on this long road. I ask because asking means I haven’t given up.
I asked. I didn’t burst into flames. No one pelted me with rocks. A lot of what scares us most is worse in our minds than in practice. If you need something, ask; bearing in mind that asking requires humility, the acceptance that the answer we want may not be the answer we get.
I asked, and what did I get? So far, at least a temporary degree of tranquility in place of anxiety bordering on despair, a Maya Angelou clip algorithmically produced telling me to take up the fight, another 400-ish words into the practice writing and publishing regularly, a tangible reminder that I am capable of doing many things that can feel far more challenging in my imagination than they actually turn out to be, which in turn makes me feel a little more confident I can do some of what I need to but am anxious about, and the created possibility that my small effort might make a difference to someone else who needs to put thoughts to words.
(See what I mean about refocusing our attention from despair to hope? There are so many ways we can shift our perspectives, it can just be difficult to recall when our brains are in the limited-focus space of survival mode, more so if we did not have those healthy coping behaviors role-modeled for us in our developing years, but we can still seek them out, or find them through trial-and-error. Which, as an aside, reminds me of some Guy Winch talks about healthy coping behaviors. He has a couple of TED talks, and some other talks posted to YouTube. I will take a second to grab a link, should anyone be feeling curious but lazy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pYnzLiVefg)
I certainly hope more of what I ask will appear, but not a bad start.