A Reminder

A reminder for everyone who is waiting for someone or something to come along and make everything better – most of what causes us the most pain and trouble in our lives are the dysfunctional beliefs we carry inside ourselves. No matter what changes on the outside, no matter what things beyond our control go as we wish or not, we are unlikely to feel very differently for very long as long as those beliefs remain unchallenged and unchanged – and that is work others may be able to help us with, but that no one can do for us.

Many of us have tried to do so for other people, many of us have had others try to do so for us – but it simply does not work. It is alright, of course, to feel, and to desire – but what we control are our choices, our actions.

If you really want your life to change for the better, if you really want to feel differently, then I hope today will be the day you take even a tiny step in the direction of the change you wish for. I am not going to lie to you and say there is a guarantee you will get all of the results you wish for – just like I wouldn’t lie to you and say there is a magic wand someone can wave to make everything all better for you with no effort or difficulty or pain or uncertainty on your part. (If we really want trust, we have to be willing to say what people don’t want to hear when it is true, and to hear what we may not want to hear.)

Maybe you need to ask for help. Maybe you need to look at the beliefs that are steering you wrong. Maybe you need to allow yourself to admit your mistakes, your wrongs. Maybe you need to apologize. Maybe you need to ask forgiveness. Maybe you need to forgive. Maybe you need to try something that you aren’t perfect at doing, maybe you need to practice.

I don’t know what it is you have been avoiding that might be helpful to you in your healing. I only know that I cannot do whatever it is for anyone else. And there are a lot of people in my own life I wish would find the inspiration they need to make efforts on their own behalf that no one else can do for them. That I wish I could help with. That I can’t do. I know there are things I need to do for myself that no one else is going to do for me. Some that no one could do, besides myself. I am trying, as ever.

This is not the most overpowering or inspirational thing I have ever written. And it doesn’t need to be. It is just a reminder. One that I hope reaches someone who needs it, and makes a difference. Because all I can do is what I can do – I can make an effort to reach out, I cannot control whether anyone is reached. Part of existing in the world as it is and maintaining touch with reality, I think, is being able to hold truths that feel contradictory – like having a small range of control and a large range of not-control. All or nothing thinking might feel comfortable, but it doesn’t often have much to do with reality. This is a very, very small thing I can do – offer some words to the digital void. That is what I am doing, and all I am offering. Whether anyone reads them or finds any use in them or chooses to change their behavior is beyond me.

 

I love you.

I don’t know if I will finish the longer thing I started writing today.

If I don’t, fuck it, I will finish it later, or I won’t.

Not everything important is complicated, even if we pretend it is, so we can avoid what we fear.

Today is Christmas. And if you are someone I love, and you are here because, for whatever reason, you won’t approach me directly, then for you, this is the gift I have to give, that I hope is one that will bring you something good: I love you.

I love you if you don’t love me.

I love you if you treat me hatefully.

I love you if I don’t believe you love me.

I love you if you don’t believe I love you.

That isn’t lunacy, or masochism.

Love is sanity beyond sanity.

I love you.

Be happy.

Be healthy.

Take care of yourself.

Know you are worth the more difficult path.

Take it, if that is the way your happiness lies.

Whether your Christmas is merry or miserable – and no matter what, I hope it is happy, I hope you will allow yourself to be happy – I love you.

I love you.

Word-vomit Edits

Since I have been, for a few days now, just been barfing out text and publishing it as is, I am going to take a hiatus to revisit those blurts and decide which, if any, are reworkable into something a little less personally cathartic and a little more public-consumption-worthy. It has been a good exercise in making a daily habit of writing, but at some point, writing without making edits loses its value as a learning experience. And as I have time and adequate light to take usable photos (or at least good-enough-to-digitally-edit-photos) and more art to publish, those posts will continue to appear over time. Just an fyi to the data collection void.